i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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