life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
