just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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