When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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