There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
