just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
