I could make wine with my vomit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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