I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
