yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
