My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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