I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
