you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.