She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.