So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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