I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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