She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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