You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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