i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
