i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
