Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
