Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
