We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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