when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
