discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
