last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
