By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
