I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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