when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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