I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
