Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
