he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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