I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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