today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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