Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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