They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
