dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
