He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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