before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
