I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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