My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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