I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
