Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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