we made out on top of his cat.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
