Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell