The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?