That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
is that a dick in a sweater?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
