So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just crazy horny about you
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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