I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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