Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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