halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
