very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I touched a dick in church today