I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.