you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize