Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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