Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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