you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
