she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
